trust in life

it's funny because i had just been going through & recycling old university notes, papers, exams, & labs when i stumbled across this TED talk. initially i hesitated getting rid of everything because of how much work i remember putting into all of it then. but lately i`ve been quite determined in removing all unnecessary possessions that's held occupancy of what could allow for new things & experiences to enter my life. which, let me tell you, is incredibly difficult for someone who has a fierce tendency to keep absolutely everything! i keep receipts from buying birthday decorations from the dollar store, for pete`s sake! but as i went through boxes top-full of these used & abused stationery, i came to a point where i felt more & more comfortable letting everything go. i even threw out my honours thesis.

my thesis was comprised of 60 pages summarizing a year`s worth of work on inducing stroke on neonatal mice, allowing them to age enough to physically test them on motor skills, then killing them, freezing & slicing their brains, & then looking at these slices under a microscope for analysis. now, i understand the importance of most research, but i look back on this & i am certainly not proud of what i did. not only did my heart sink with each sacrificial effort i had to make (for lack of a less morbid description), but my entire being felt like i was the wrong end of the magnet trying to stick to the pole that would only repel me.

i realize now how lost i was then.

i don't know exactly what it was that drove me to take some of the classes that i did - genetics, organic chemistry, calculus. yes, for some, these subjects may be their hearts' content, but for me even the thought of these courses make me cringe! by the way, i can't fully express in words the satisfaction i got from tearing up piles of old math notes. such catharsis! maybe it was my misguided aspirations of becoming a physician, perhaps a result of years of conditioning from people telling me what i should become in life. or maybe it was how i convinced myself that taking these courses & doing a thesis in neuropsychology would be an impressive way of getting there. &, of course, what is most impressive will likely get that acceptance letter in the mail.

however way it may have happened, i somehow misplaced my own values along the way. and it has become painfully clear to me now that i had done all that i thought i could in university, except for follow my heart. there was something inside that inherently knew i was doing the wrong thing for myself, but i never listened to that part of me, no matter how uneasy i felt. the drive to succeed academically had blinded me from seeing what my life's desire could possibly be. the closest i remember ever feeling most 'at home' with what i did was one summer when i decided to take studio art courses. 2D, 3D, drawing I, & drawing II. out of my entire university career i don't think i had ever felt more freer & happier than at that time. but, of course, i dismissed those courses as only "fun" & "extra" courses, of which I could use the credits towards my degree. i even decided to drop a photography course when i had a heavy biochemisty class in the same semester. priorities!

in the end i didn't even apply into med school. i did well in the honours class, but realized the enthusiasm (or clearly lack thereof) that i had for the science courses i had taken were reflected in my pathetic attempts at making that all-important impression. back then, it was a harsh blow to my academic ego, but i am thankful for this now. today, i work in a children's hospital as a pediatric nurse. this has been the outcome of naively thinking it was the 'next best thing' to becoming a doctor. they tell everyone in pre-med to have a 'fallback' plan, since only a small percentage are able to get into the medical program. & so i chose nursing as my fall-back plan. being in this profession for the last 5 years, i don't think i ever gave it the credit it rightfully deserves 5 years ago. of course, there are good days, & bad. the bad days can be so incredibly hectic, physically & emotionally, but then the good days are when remarkable things happen to make everything worthwhile. i recognize that this is definitely a better fit for me than medicine could have ever been. i'm not as interested in the pathophysiology behind a certain condition than i am in ways to care for someone who may have to live with it. i feel i have grown & appreciated this profession the more i have been in it & i know how it can be a truly rewarding & honourable career.

but it is not my passion.

i was talking with my sister the other night. we are both in stages where we are at somewhat of a crossroads. i told her that we each needed something that would help guide us to where we should go. i know she will find her direction. steve jobs' talk has been quite inspirational, as well as ken robinson's talk (another must see). although these may not be true signs, per se, & even though i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to do yet, it has reminded me of what is truly important. it is not a matter of what we might decide to 'become' in life, perhaps it's more of a matter of what we already are & what we might decide to do about it. i love it when i experience something that is creative, which is why i loved those art courses i took. i would love to find a forum for creativity in which i might be a part of. there is creativity in all aspects of life & there is so much potential. i also love being able to help & give to others, which is the aspect of my job that i love the most. honestly, i have no idea where this may lead to, but i know i have to continue looking in this direction. & i cannot turn my head away from this again.

not only is it so necessary for us to recognize & live out what our souls ache longingly for, but each & every one of us has something to offer to each other & the world. i know we are all extraordinary in our own ways & we are all are capable of making a difference.

so go now, if you haven't already; find & do what you love (& love what you do)! & if you realize you've been moving in the wrong direction... tear it up & recycle.